With everyone and their mother (literally) reading the Shades of Grey series, you know you just went to a very juicy place:) Per (condensed) wikipedia: A "safeword" is a code word or series of code words that are sometimes used to unambiguously communicate a physical or emotional state, typically when approaching, or crossing, a physical, emotional, or moral boundary.
My introduction to safewords isn't nearly as entertaining as one may think. Though it was a very powerful one I will always remember. A girlfriend and I were sitting in her simple yet swanky Manhattan flat, sipping on some vino and chatting about our latest shopping excursion down on Bleecker Street. She had just put on the dress she'd purchased and was looking at herself in a huge mirror, turning this way and that. She would look at her entire 5'1" length by starting at her wedge heeled feet and traveling up to her face. She would make eye contact with herself in the mirror, purse her lips and start the process all over again taking in a different angle. She was talking the whole time, and apparently, I didn't respond on cue. She turned and saw me, eyes wide and mouth agape. She asked what was wrong and I couldn't really put it into words! I could tell she truly liked, even LOVED how she looked!
"You are actually LOOKING at yourself in the mirror!" I said.
"Yes, girl, that's what it's THERE for," she said with her always easy smile. Then she whirled and watched her reflection do it in turn and moved on to her next lovely purchase.
I was dumbfounded! But she WAS, after all, one of the most beautiful ladies I knew. But, that's what they are allowed to do- ladies who just naturally look flawless. Those who can throw on anything and make it look absolutely perfect. In fact, why do they even bother looking into a mirror?! They have to know how complete they always are, right? Girls like me do the obligatory once-over to make sure our seams are straight on our hips. The hems aren't short enough to show the cellulite. The buttons aren't done crooked. The rolls are hidden as much as possible. The back fat is being somewhat managed by the wide banded bra. But it's always a very quick scan and then a quick dodge away. Girls like me don't even look at themselves while brushing their teeth- I even step out of the bathroom. There is no staring, unless you're looking for all the things that are wrong. All the things you know and hate. In those moments you DEFINITELY don't look into your tear-filled eyes because all of that pain and ugliness is seen there. There is no appreciative assessment because there is nothing good to find there in that reflection. There is no peacocking to be sure!
The next day we were getting ready to go out for tea. I have limited choices on what I can wear because all I ever travel with is a carry-on. All of my outfits are carefully chosen days in advance of any trips, written down with the accessories, and sometimes the makeup and hairstyles. If I didn't take these steps I would be locked in a room, trying on everything stuffed in my case, attempting to make it work. This way, I've already been through the hours and tears. No mirrors need be involved once there! We had been at a doctor's lecture all day in professional clothing. This was an extra attire change and activity I hadn't taken into account. I had to put on the long gray cardi, black v-neck, and grey yoga pants I had traveled to NYC in. I put my hair up because the humidity had already done a number on my curls that day. I hollered to her I was ready, while changing into my appointed pair of shoes. We started talking while she was finishing her hair, I could hear hairspray being pumped. She came flitting out to put on her shoes by the front door. When I met her there to grab my purse she looked up at me and smiled saying, "You look stunning!"
Again with that look: eyes wide, mouth agape. I shook my head vehemently and looked down at myself. What the?! What is she seeing that I'm not? And to use THAT word? Yeah, well, I definitely felt stunned but not stunning! I started listing off all the reasons why I wasn't and she just rolled her eyes and opened the front door. Off we went.
We were sipping on our teas and she said something about my lipstick. How did it stay on while I was drinking? She said I had really great lips and that Ron must tell me how much he loves them all the time. I blushed, "Pfft! Yeah, right," I mumbled in my tea cup. She slammed her cup onto her saucer and hollered, "Pineapple!"
I looked up into a very intense, almost angry look. Her brows were furrowed and she leaned forward over our teeny table, slowly sliding her cup and saucer out of her way. Narrowing her eyes, she quietly said, "Every time I hear you talking shit about yourself, from now until forever, I am gonna call you out on it. When you hear that word it means you've said something WRONG! It means you've said something that is bringing you down a notch. OR, that you're doing something to keep you small and insignificant. It means you've crossed the line. From one woman to another, this cycle stops now with our safeword. We are beautiful. YOU are beautiful! So, you need to stop and think about what you say and do in my presence. It better cause you to catch yourself in my absence."
And it has! It's taken me years to start this "practice" again, but I'm actively doing it! I later learned she used to think all the same lies I did. She caught all of the same social cues I did. She was blatantly told she was stupid and ugly. The loudest of all were other females. Why is it always another chick?! Why do we always put each other down, whether it be straight to the face or behind their backs? It's an ugly phenomena I've never understood and have always tried to stay away from. Not to say I haven't been apart of this in the past- I, too, am guilty. It's expected in our society! Because it's expected it's accepted!!! Well, it's NOT in my world. So, to all of my friends and family, if you hear me keeping myself small or saying something harmful (= anything but loving and respectful) about anyone else call me out on it! Scream it in my face! PINEAPPLE! And, if YOU hear ME say it, now you know what it means and hopefully it will make you stop and think, too!
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